nameless love
it took me two years to write your given name in my notebook
five years to place you in the timeline of my life… beyond time
we’re bonded
by strength
struggle
seduction
Spirit… Black genius
so this ain’t a goodbye
I’ll see you later
I’ll feel (φιλ-) you… forever
When I was younger, my journal was my safe space. I wrote down all my secret thoughts, judgments, and desires. I loved writing about my life, but I would often forget to go back and read what I wrote. As a result, I ended up re-learning many of the same lessons over and over again.
Some of my most frequent lessons revolved around the power of my words, especially when they were aligned with a Divine word. This power scared me. Sometimes I was afraid my words would be ‘right’ and other times I feared being ‘wrong’. Did I hear the right voice? Did I see the unseen, believe the unbelievable? Was my love clouding my logic, or was my logic blocking my love? When my overthinking got the best of me, my journal entry would be reduced to a simple word, symbol, or sentence of confusion.
These days, I challenge myself to lean into that confusion, embrace the unknown, become friends with my fears — to write and breathe through it all. To go back periodically and read what I wrote — gather the lessons and insights. I give myself time to write without labels now, letting go of notions of ‘good’ or ‘bad’; ‘right’ or ‘wrong’; ‘misaligned’ or ‘aligned’. In this way, my fears are free to transform into peace, courage, ingenuity, or whatever they need to be… a nameless love.
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About Me: I’m Joy. I’m a community-engaged researcher, writer, lightworker — dark child of God. I’m currently a PhD Student at the Yale School of Public Health, and the Founder & CEO of Butterfly Dreamz, Inc. — a 501(c)(3) nonprofit based in Gary, IN, and Newark, NJ that advances the leadership and well-being of girls and all young people through mentorship, holistic leadership development, and intergenerational community action. You can learn more about me and my work at joylindsay.com.
